Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
