I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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