I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
