He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
