by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
