and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
