at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
