11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
