Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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