I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
