This dress was meant to end up on your floor
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
