he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
