It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
