Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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