Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
