I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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