so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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