It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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