im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
