1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
