D3 body, D1 cock
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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