I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
