I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
