All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
