He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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