i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
