Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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