Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
