mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
