Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
