I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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