Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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