woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
