apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
