i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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