People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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