Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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