he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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