Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
