If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
