apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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