I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We have started to decorate penises.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
