Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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