FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
