I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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