I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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