I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
