She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
