I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
