Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
