I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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