Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
