9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
