I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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