By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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