I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
