so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
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We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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