God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
