The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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