Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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