I'm so fucking centered right now
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
