big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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